So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
