Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
