dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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