I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
