Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
