I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
