Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
