This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
