I think scott just propositioned me for sex
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
