when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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