Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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