i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
