How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
