I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
