Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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