bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
