Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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