Moan for me like Helen Keller
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
