im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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