my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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