I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
