i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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