I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
