he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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