My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
well you can't waste a boner
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
