You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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