You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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