It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Are my feet made of real feet?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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