i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
