Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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