Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
