i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
