what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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