i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
