I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
