tell your sister to shave her snatch
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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