Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
