He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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