i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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