I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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