Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize