took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
