I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
