So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
