I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
