He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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