SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
