I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
