I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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