Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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