Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
