take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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