Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
