I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
