just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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