i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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