Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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