Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I need to calm my uterus...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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