Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize