Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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