You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize