drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
