Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
